(forgive the lack of caps)

I'm on the discovery channel's "in memorium" forum (in the thread "What's Wrong With Me?", where people are posting their thoughts about steve. most people asking/wondering why (like me) they're so upset about his death. somebody pointed out something that seems totally true, in my opinion.. which i had been thinking about for the last couple of days. for some of us, we're somewhat jealous of what he was able to do, accomplish, etc during his life. i got my love of animals from my dad. you know how i react when an animal dies. hell, i can't watch emergency vets w/out a box of kleenex. i have always wanted to work with animals. when i was younger, i wanted to be a vet. as i grew older, i always dreamed of having my own shelter for cats. this man had the means to do what he wanted most in life. a lot of us aren't able to do that. i know i don't have the ability to do that. certainly not the money. and as much as i love animals, i don't have the passion that he did. it's there, yes. but he was just so in your face about it. he lived and breathed it.

i am very upset about his death, to be honest. i've had a hard time sleeping and i'm even dreaming about it. not about his death, but about working with him, etc. i find myself searching for updates on he and his family, which might seem "nosey" or something, but i think the thought of him going away- even in the media- is difficult to deal with. i mentioned to somebody on IM's the other day how sad it made me, and they obviously didn't understand or share my sadness. i don't expect people to get how i feel about it...

steve actually died on my sister's birthday. and yesterday (which was my dad's birthday), i called her to see how she was doing. she said something about how sad it was, and i said "yeah i know. i've been crying about it ever since i heard". she said "i keep telling people to leave me alone. don't they know what day it is?" and then i realized she was talking about dad's birthday, and i was talking about the crocodile hunter. maybe part of my emotions are really about my dad- whose birthday i knew was coming up, but yet was overshadowed (in my mind) by this loss. really, a loss of somebody who in many ways kind of reminds me of my dad- especially when it comes to teaching others about animals.