David's been having issues with the server, which is why the site's been up and down the last couple of days.

I thought I'd post part of a letter I sent my sister yesterday, just so you get an idea of where my mind's at right now:

"My thoughts: A lot of stuff went down between me and dad. Things said that were meant to hurt, were said intentionally, etc.. I also think that while the situation between us probably didnt help dad's illness (stress isn't good on the body- whether we cause it or someone else does), I think that unfortunately dad's genes (which we might have to fight, as well) were probably the main factor- I'm sure smoking didn't help, but that's another story. Were the situation reversed, and I was the one sick after everything that's happened since that fight, I think dad (I'm assuming, here) would feel the same way about it that I do.. so I would have to believe he'd be upset if I were ill. He'd probably be wondering if anything he did or said maybe triggered something in the body to cause the cancer. We've both been really affected by this whole mess, and if that were the case, I could just as easily be the one with the bad news.. you know? Maybe I'm next.. but again, I have to think that the genes (maybe from both sides, but probably more from Grandma's) are playing some kind of role in this. What gets me is that if smoking has anything to do with this (don't you think it has to?), how jacked up is it that Grandpa lived til he was 82 and smoked like a freakin' chimney? Dad's not even 50 yet.

Of course I feel terrible about what's happening to dad. I know that people with cancer can be treated, and in many cases it goes away.. people go into remission. I think I have to start thinking that way, or just live in denial, you know? I'm just getting these horrible images in my head, and it makes me sick- I can't even imagine dad wasting away to nothing, losing weight like you said. It's like every waking moment, my mind is repeating what you've told me over and over. It's a sickening feeling".


Night before last, when I found out, it took me forever to get to sleep. "Cancer" just doesn't paint a pretty picture.. it seems like every time I picture my dad now, I picture him thin and sickly. I did cry myself to sleep that night (I'm so glad I have David, let me tell you). Ever since, I've felt nauseous and had a killer headache. This morning my breakfast came back up.

From what I was told, he's got lung cancer and some kind of lung disease. He's been out of work for a few months now, and has had a hard time eating. He thought that he had injured himself at work, so he went on disability. Then at some point, he started coughing up blood and there was blood in his urine. Maybe that's what caused him to get it seriously checked out. My sister e-mailed me a week or so ago asking for my phone number, about the time he went in for a biopsy, I guess.. just in case there was some news she would need to tell me about. Then the results came back the other day- not good. Problem is that there's a mass on his lungs. They don't think they can operate, because the mass is right between the lungs- so removing it would affect both sides. He's also got a collection of fluid there. Doctors are now deciding what route to take, if any- radiation? Chemo? So that's where it's at right now. I asked my sister if there's some kind of time frame, but she didn't think so. I guess that's good.. but my mom has most of the info because she went to the doctor with him.

I have thought about the card idea, and David said that I need to call- but when I do that, to wait til after the baby gets here. He's concerned about my health and that of the baby's, and doesn't want me getting too wrapped up in it right now.. especially if I call and my dad's an ass about it, you know? Who knows.. I'm sure I'll send a card, though.