You know.. when I moved away from home just a few months ago, there were thoughts in my mind about it being the last time I saw many of the people in my family. Not that I'd never return to CA for a visit, but some of my relatives are older.. not all in great health, and you just never know what can happen when you're away. I also thought that with my dad and I having basically zero relationship, what if something fucked up happened like he died? And how would the family react if I didn't make it back for the funeral? (Nevermind wanting to go or not, but just being able to). Well, not that I wished for that kind of thing to happen, but now it is. My sister just called to tell me my dad has cancer.

Honestly, I don't know what the fuck to think about it. I'm in shock.. certainly doesn't seem real. It's possible he'll get thru this- doctors aren't sure if they can operate due to where the cancer is. He's got a great support system with his family- he's one of 9 kids, most of which are extremely close. And with my sister, nephew, and oldest uncle living with him, I'm sure he's going to have a lot of attention and support 24-7.

It's crazy. I don't know if this has anything to do with him smoking, but my grandpa (his dad) lived into his 80's and smoked like a damn chimney. My dad's mom wasn't so lucky, though.. she died in her early 50's. I know stress can cause illness, and I'm sure this big blow-out or whatever couldn't have helped.. but I think part of me wants to believe (well, needs to believe) it's just genes. My dad got my grandma's family's fucked up genes. It's not really fair, you know?

Again, I really have no fucking clue what to think right now. With all the shit gone down.. not having spoken to my dad in years.. yet not wishing this on him, and sure as hell not being able to imagine him wasting away to nothing (as my sister has more or less told me), what does one think?